My life has been a tragic affair. But now that I work for L’Oreal, everyone wants to know about it! So here is my fabulous autobiography! But before you read on, beware, the tale I am about to weave is a distressing chronicle.
  You cannot see, but as I write, my beautiful, yet sad, grey eyes glisten with tears as I think back on my upsetting past. So weep for me as I relate a horrifying story of split ends, baggy eyes and unmoisturised skin.
  I was like so totally the it-girl at high school. Everyone like, loved me. I had like eight boyfriends just as a freshman! But there was like this total biatch who really thought that she was it. Of course she soooo totally wasn’t, she had this nasty, greasy black hair and really pale skin, she so totally had never had a proper holiday in Spain (or a membership to a good tanning salon). But she did have these really cute little red lips, biatch. She had like the dumbest name though. Snowy Whit. I mean how stupid right?
  Anyway so I had like the best boyfriend, Jason Charming. My heart beats like crazy just to think of him, his gorgeous six-pack and his bulging biceps. And I had like the best friends, who sooo totally supported me when that biatch tried to steal my man. Cindy Rella and Belle Beste. Of course, they could never be as pretty as me but I did try my best. Course, there isn’t much you can do with a girl who talks to birds and a brunette (as if that wasn’t bad enough!) who reads and once had the hots for a totally messed-up hairy kid, but they tried, bless them.
  Anyway, so back to me. Jason would take me on dates like every night, and to interesting places, not just the movies or out for pizza. I got to go to film premieres, fancy Italian restaurants and even his house, I mean, I even met his great aunt. I was like practically his wife already!
  But then this total creep starting mucking things up. He was all nasty and pimply and sweaty, so not something I would go for. And he wore glasses. I mean, total Geek-Boy. I think his name was Harry Beast, or something, so of course all the kids called him Hairy Beast. I mean, it would like so totally not take a genius to come up with that nickname.
  Anyway, so I was walking down the sidewalk with Poochie (that’s my dog, original name huh? It took me aggggesss to pick it!) to buy Teen Vogue (I will so totally model for that magazine one day) and I saw this totally dodgy looking guy in a big jacket behind me and I thought, oh my god, it’s a kidnapper (I knew it would happen someday, I mean, my Daddy is a very high-profile banker). I screamed like totally loud and hit him with Poochie’s bag. He fell over and I saw his face and I was like, oh my god, it’s Hairy Beast. I had a stalker. Of course, I was like totally excited because I would totally get even more noticed. I was even like planning my sad face for when I come out of the court house and cameras from every news station were covering it. But when I went on my date with Jason that night I like totally regretted it.
  Jason took me to this like totally hot nail salon and said I could get anything I wanted. Of course I had to go outside quickly to call my girlfriends and confer. Belle thought I should go with the American flag, but as I said, I am totally not into that patriotism stuff. So I went back inside all ready to get Justin Timberlake’s face on my thumbs and Jason’s on the rest when I spotted my stalker outside.
  I sat down in the chair and was like acting so totally cool, I mean Jason couldn’t have suspected anything, and then Hairy Beast walked right in and started talking to me like I dated the guy, I mean EWW! He like even gave me a picture of him for me to put in my purse.
  It happened like every date after that and Jason totally started to suspect that I was cheating on him. (I mean, I was, but with that totally cute guy, Alla Din) I was ruined. And then Snowy started to dig her claws in. She had like the most pathetic little gang. They were all totally fugly, especially this girl with enormous pimples that went around with a red hood up all the time to cover them up. So anyway, she started this totally nasty vendetta against me. I was running for prom queen and I swear she had these boys pee on my posters. And she even had the nerve to confront me in front of the whole homeroom and practically force me to slap her.
  But at least we had spring break in Spain to enjoy. It was going amazing (I made out with these like totally hot frat boys and the pool boys loved me!)
  But then when we were at the beach one day and all us girls went to the fortune teller. Course, that biatch, Snowy tried to come but there was no way that was happening. So when we got there I was so totally obviously first, but there was such a delay I think I shouldn’t even have paid the woman. She had really odd pale skin and rosy red lips, and this awful black hair poking out from under her turban. I asked her about my future boyfriend and she said that I would end up with a stranger from overseas. Then I asked about being a prom queen and she like totally went too far and said that my hair would go totally wrong on my 16th birthday which was also my prom night. Of course I stormed out, nobody has the right to insult me when I’m like 10 times prettier than them. And especially when my most striking feature is my hair. My luscious platinum locks reach my waist, they’re like sooo totally more gorgeous than anyone else’s hair that you’ve ever seen.
  Everyone told me not to worry about it, but Belle and Cindy said I should take extra care with my hair until the prom, just to make sure.
So three days before the prom I went out and bought all these shampoos, conditioners, creams, and serums and daddy bought me new straighteners and curling irons. I spent like all day using all this stuff on my hair, I even used all the different types of shampoo you can think of, for greasy hair, for normal hair, for dry hair etc. (I totally don’t have greasy, dry or normal hair by the way)
  So when I woke up like just 2 days before prom night I was expecting to see some totally hot babe with fabulous hair looking back at me. I bounced like totally happily out of bed and stood in front of the mirror. OH MY GOD! My hair was like totally puffy and crimped and dry and greasy. To this day my heart wrenches when I think back on this tragic event.
  Of course I totally could not go to school, I mean, talk about social suicide, so daddy let me stay home. What was I going to do about my prom night! I totally had to ring my girlfriends. They were like both totally useless, they just kept laughing! Laughing, at me, when I was like 20 times prettier than them! Eventually Cindy said had I tried to wash it out. I had and nothing was working. So Belle like totally went too far and suggested that I should cut my hair. Of course I totally slammed the phone down on them.
  On the night before the day of the prom I decided I would go to school the next day. I totally would have my maid plait my hair up for me and hide it with a totally hot pink hat. So I went out to the local spot for kids around here, the park. (Only it’s not a normal park, it has like fountains everywhere and shaped bushes and these cute little fairy statues) And you’ll never guess what I saw.
  Snowy Whit. That little biatch had obviously used my two day absence as an excuse to get to know Jason. She was standing there, draped all over his shoulders! Of course I totally slapped her. I said that I was like totally coming back to school and that I would be prom queen and Jason would be my prom king. Then she tore off my hat and ripped at my plait. But before she could undo it I slapped her again and then she slapped me. It like totally turned into a catfight which I like totally won. When I got home I like totally fell straight asleep.
  In the middle of the night I woke up and I could hear noises downstairs. I like totally screamed but I didn’t get out of my bed, I mean, I am totally defenceless. Then my door opened and I screamed louder. Then I stopped. It was only Snowy Whit. She yelled at me that I was not coming back to school because Jason was her man now. Then I realised something, she had been the fortune teller! But before I could totally retaliate she shoved these pills down my throat. I like totally fell asleep.
  Now all this next bit is what I found out after I woke up. Snowy Whit like totally went back to school and pretended that nothing happened. And Jason wasn’t even worried about me. Then that idiot, Hairy Beast realised that I wasn’t there to stalk and he started to get worried, I mean how totally humiliating, my stalker cares more about where I am then my boyfriend, my soul mate.
  Anyway, apparently Hairy overheard Snowy telling her pathetic little gang what she had done and laughing. So get this. He goes out, buys the pills that would wake me up and, get this, he doesn’t give them to me! Instead he puts me in his car and takes me to the prom! I mean crazy or what.
  Then he did like the worst thing ever. He took me into the prom, dressed in my nightie. When I woke up, I was standing on the stage in his arms and we were being crowned prom King and Queen and he was kissing me! I screamed ‘NO!’ and ran off the stage. Jason had been there, he’d seen like totally everything. I cried like totally even more when I got home and looked in my totally expensive full-length mirror. I was wearing my baggy, plain pyjamas, my eyes were baggy and plain, my skin had not been moisturised for like three days, I had drool all over my face and (the worst part) when I looked at my hair, I saw like a totally giant yellow piece of candyfloss. On further inspection I like totally found split ends, and tangles!
  Of course we like totally had to move after that, I mean I had like totally actually committed social suicide, how could I face anyone after that like totally awful evening? Only now, instead of like totally sleeping for a day, I like totally can’t sleep at all. I like totally haven’t slept for like months. I put it down to my totally troubled childhood.
  But at least now I can have like totally gorgeous hair again, because I use new L’Oreal Pro-V shampoo and conditioner. You too could look like me for just 2 dollars a bottle. Go for it, you’re like totally worth it!
(However I have to say that you could never be as pretty as me so like totally don’t even try.)