_Goodbye_
By Rachel / Spinebreakers Crew
The car chugged down the road, the sound of stones hitting worn tires the only noise filling the car. I glanced at the radio, wishing absent-mindedly that it would play something loud and harsh, just to fill empty spaces, to rid the car of some of the tense atmosphere, but I knew that neither of us would be the one to reach for the dial. I let my gaze stray to the windshield, looking at nothing in particular, just looking out there because there was nowhere else to fix my eyes on. I felt muscles in my face tighten and loosen, turning my indifferent expression into a frown, showing my misery to the entire world, because there was no denying that I wasn’t happy. This hadn’t been how I’d imagined my send off, that’s for sure, I thought bitterly, letting the frown deepen and allowing a crease between my eyebrows appear. My image of long hugs at the airport and tears escaping from eyes without permission had been replaced with the probability of a arm-around-the-shoulder-and-a-squeeze kind of hug and a stern ‘goodbye, I’ll see you later’. A voice in the back of my head tried to remind me that this couldn’t be easy for her either, but another voice, a more convincing voice, told me that, while that may be the case, it was harder for me and shouldn’t she realize that? I resentfully told myself that this was I bit selfish on my part, and maybe I should be the person to take the higher ground, make peace.
Swallowing hurt me more than it should or usually did, and the words made nonsense sentences in my head, only to disassemble again, giving me an even more useless sentence than before.
“Mum?” It sounded like a question, and I hated it. I didn’t even like having to swallow my pride, but I really didn’t like the fact that I didn’t have conviction.
“Hmm?” she said, and I admired the way that she could still make something sound bitter and terse without words.
“I’m going to miss you.” I didn’t look at her as I said it, afraid to let my guard down, afraid to see her reaction, afraid of my own reaction. The silence dragged out a little longer than it should and I ran my tongue along my teeth as a distraction, watching impatiently for her reaction.
“I’m going to miss you too.” She uttered so quietly, I tore my gaze from the passenger window just to make sure she’d spoken at all. She nodded, as if to confirm her words, and my muscles twitched, attempting, but failing, a smile.
My heart tightened painfully and moisture played dangerously close to the edge of my eyes. The tears hit my cheeks, flowing steadily towards my mouth, the tang of salt sharp on my tongue. I allowed myself to wallow in self-pity for a moment longer, cruel thoughts engulfing me for a second. I’d heard people say that ‘sorry’ is one of the hardest words you’ll ever have to say, but I knew that my apology was only going to be half as hard as the goodbye I would choke out later.
I smiled sadly, realizing how couldn’t even think of this as a new beginning, but only as the end, only as a goodbye.