The first verse of this song is seen on page 224 and is a tribute to the object of Tom’s affections, I have rewritten the rest of the song and imagined what Portman would write next. Where the author made Tom pick up the telephone, I’ve made the self-confessed Romantic Genius stay true to his character by writing her a letter.

 ‘I Wanna Ramone You’, for example:

 I wanna ramone you
 hier and ici.
 I wanna ramone you
 La and aujourd’hui

 I wanna ramone you
 We are so meant to be
 I wanna ramone you
 Make me cry oui oui!

 If you’d like a good ramone
 and you’d throw this dog a bone,
 then call and don’t postpone
 and I swear I’ll make you moan.

This should suffice in proving that I belong to a rare (and fading) breed of what are known as true romantics, and (devil-head) idealists. I decided not to call, I’m sure Holden Caulfield would not have called either. If Holden Caulfield wouldn’t have ‘given her the time’ then neither would I. Amazed at my will-power and yet incredibly frustrated by it I decided a celebration was in order and spent the next day’s lunch break staring at Kirsten Blakeney’s ass. Let’s just say I now understand what Mr. Teone saw in her. Too busy and afraid to call I decided that the only sensible method of communication was a letter. Only one minor issue lay before me, I did not know her address.