Spud's Crazy Christmas
By Olivia Scott-Berry / Spinebreakers Crew
1:30
Was woken by Rambo who informed us it was time to get a Christmas tree for the dorm. We dutifully followed him through the first year dorm and out into the grounds. Mad Dog hacked at a spindly tree with a pen knife, nearly getting Boggo in the eye as he helped to steady the trunk. We were lugging the tree through the window and I had landed on my bed when the lights flicked on and Luthuli said ‘Surprise’. We were thrashed by Sparerib, who has painted his cane with candy stripes. The whole house seems to have gone nuts for Christmas.
7:30
Mad Dog and Rambo charged into the first year dormitory and wrapped Runt completely in tinsel. Unfortunately, Vern joined in and tried to perch a hissing Roger on Runt’s head. Runt had to have stitches after the ‘Christmas angel’ was coaxed down.
7:45
Julian carried out his usual shower inspections and congratulated me on my fine Christmas baubles. He said they put him in a festive mood and skipped off singing ‘Santa Baby’
8:00
The last Darryl almost choked on his breakfast sausages when Rambo pointedly wished him a Merry Christmas and Mad Dog waved his tinsel scarf at him wickedly.
10:00
Reverend Bishop preached about the meaning of Christmas and the importance of celebrating the birth of Jesus, not the giving of presents. Boggo asked ‘Is Father Christmas the devil incarnate then?’ and the poor Reverend looked shocked when Rambo suggested burning our presents instead and dancing naked around the flames to worship Our Lord.
12:00
The Guv summoned me for lunch, baked beans cold from the can. After an outrageously long rant about people betraying other people with tall, swarthy men who wear leather driving gloves in their huge cars, he thrust a copy of A Christmas Carol on me and told me that if I didn’t like it he’d roast me like a chestnut (and I knew which bit)
15:00
Simon has covered his cubicle in glittery cards with lots of kisses written in them, whilst Vern was showing around a card supposedly from Annaline Kriel, although he started pulling out clumps of hair when asked to see the envelope and the postmark.
17:00
Found Vern scolding someone snivelling in the toilets for bad form in the bogs. He furiously scribbled a note and thrust it into the cubicle. Vern was nearly crushed as Fatty flung the door open angrily. Turns out Fatty’s folks are making him go on a diet and he was upset at the thought of no turkey this Christmas
17:30
Wombat called to wish me ‘Merry Christmas’ but when I told her it was only the 17th December, she got confused and hung up on me, shouting ‘I don’t need double glazing!’
2:55
Was woken by Pike making a commotion in the Sad Six’s dormitory. He was chasing JR Ewing around with some mistletoe until Mad Dig joined the fray and tried to strangle Pike with a length of tinsel.
Christmas has well and truly arrived in the Crazy Eight Dorm, (although everyone seems to have forgotten the peace to all men part!)